Anxiety is such a cocksucker. Waves of it today. So I stuck two fingers up at adulthood and played video games for 7 hours. There’s something so deliciously naughty about being a 31 year old woman deliberately ignoring that pile of laundry that should have been done whilst shooting the face off various bad guys and creatures. But god damn, it makes you feel empty, too. I mean yeah, I consider myself a damn good virtual sniper but do I have any clean underwear? Do I fuck.


I’ve been thinking of The Cure today. Sinking, to be specific. For the unenlightened:

I just woke up with it playing in my head. Yes, it is an exceptionally depressing song. I can’t remember if I ever wrote this down, I probably did, but there was a point, I think last year, where I would wake up with a random new song in my head every day. For no apparent reason. It was strange. Not unpleasant. Just made me wonder what was going on up there in the old brain department.

Some oddities: I get strangely manic and scared. Then I swallow some pills and it seems to calm it down. Not a bad system but the realisation is strange. Before I just felt horrible until it went away. Yay drugs, sure, but is this my life? For now, forever? Also, I still think I’m seeing things. Not big tangible things, I don’t have a shed in the garden where I pin newspaper cuttings to the walls and draw red pieces of strings in between nonsense in search for meaning because Paul Bettany is telling me there is one, this isn’t A Beautiful Mind, there’s nothing particularly beautiful about any of this. It’s just, like… something appears in the corner of my eye and I’m momentarily shook by it. I look, nothing’s there, I move on. I’m not scared, I’m not disturbed, I’m just curious as to what the fuck is there, if anything, and if nothing is indeed there, why the fuck my brain thinks there is. I don’t hear voices. But I do see things. I know nothing’s there. Unless it gets drastically worse, I guess I’m going to just accept it as a Thing in My Life Post Crash.

I can’t explain to people how I feel, now. There’s nothing to see and nothing to feel in my presence. It’s like it’s Over. I’m medicated, I’m back at work, I’m seeing friends again, I’m doing fairly normal stuff including cooking and being lazy about the housework and shit. But I went into town yesterday and felt incredibly, horribly overwhelmed and alone. Deep breaths, needed to get a few simple things, kept getting sucked into shops that were way too big only to realise that I had no business being there. It was deeply unpleasant.

And here it is. I don’t want to live this life. I don’t want to live in this world, in this society, with these people. I’m looking for people who are honest and good and true to themselves and to me. I don’t want an easy life because there is no such thing. All there is is LIFE and it is what it is what it is. I don’t want THIS one. And when I say this, I don’t mean the one I can change, the one I can’t. The government. The feeling of horror and injustice. The cruelty and pointless violence and hatred. I want love. Peaceful existence. Which might not exist. And THAT makes me more scared than anything else on earth.

I’m rambling, I’m mumbling, I’m not tired, I’m just fucking lost. I can’t tell if I’m getting worse. This scares me, too.


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