8th July. I don’t remember 8th July. But it was the last time I shared anything of myself on here. I’ve wanted to revisit many times. I haven’t. For almost 3 months. A lot of things happened in quick succession and now I’m sat on my daybed, under the duvet and sheets from when my friend stayed over while I was on holiday with my mother; playing my uncle’s records on the record player I retrieved from my storage room back home, in the deepest darkest corner, of course – a present from my best friends back home for my graduation, god, that is nearly 7 years ago now.
I went back to work. And I’m still there. A lot of things changed at work. Not for the better, or for the worse, they just changed. My boss has been incredible. He knows when I’m not being particularly good to myself. Thanks, man.
I reconnected with my friends. All my friends. Slowly but steadily, I got back in touch with all of them, and I haven’t lost any, except the people that were never really friends. As it turns out. I’m able to handle that better now.
I had a dip in mood. Thoughts started creeping in and I kept coming to the conclusion that there is no point to anything whatsoever and the next step on that trail of logic is ‘so I might as well just fucking kill myself’ and I refuse to go there. So I had my meds increased. That took care of that. And I’m still seeing my therapist. It does a lot for me, even when I think there’s no point to going any longer.
I sleep OK. When I’m not kept up by anxiety. It’s less than it was but it’s still frustrating. I’m smoking again. I’m drinking alcohol again.
The creaks coming from Wish You Were Here suggest that my uncle listened to this track a lot. That gives me great pleasure. Hi, uncle. I miss you terribly. I hope you’re at peace. Your records are safe with my. The tattoo of your initials means so much to me, I wish you could have seen it. I sometimes with I had told you that I was getting it, because I knew the last time I saw you that I would be getting it. But I’d like to think that you know anyway. And that you’ve been rooting for me as I try to fight through the jungle of depression and get safely out on the other side. I know we had that in common, although we never spoke about it. No reason to. All you have to do is look into someone’s eyes to see the sadness of life in them. I love you. I miss you.
I’m still writing. I’m writing right now. Covered a festival. Covered a gig. Covered another festival. I need to get back on that writing horse and write some more stuff for some more people. I know the magazine at home would appreciate anything I can offer them. I still have some ideas but Work is taking up a lot of time at the moment. I’m very, very busy. I would mind more but…something’s happened. Something that makes life, and work, especially, a lot more tolerable.
I don’t know how to write about this. It’s pretty much the last thing in this world I expected would happen. I mean. Of all the things, of all the people, of all the years, of all the times in my life where I have felt ready for this…now?
I don’t know if I even can write about it. Here, or anywhere. Here, because there is a distinct possibility he’ll somehow find and read it. And he doesn’t need to, not right now. Anywhere, because, well… what if I’m wrong? What if nothing is happening?
I’m sorry for being cryptic. But I’m scared. I’m seeing someone in a new light and it feels… it makes everything a little easier, and a little lighter and a little better, somehow. I’m just going to express it in song form. Please listen to this song. And thank you for reading.